In May 2017, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This came to me as a shock and is still the diagnosis I struggle most with.
I’d been working for six months in a new role, and my line manager had noticed my mood and the unstable relationships I was having with work colleagues. He noticed how anxious I got in crowds and how some days I was feeling depressed. I was in complete denial until one day I broke down and told him I didn’t know what to do. He said to make an appointment with the doctor. I explained what he had said to me and that I was struggling. They put me on an anti-depressant to help with the depression and anxiety. After keeping a diary of my mood, I went back and was referred to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me instantly.
A few short months I moved out of my dad’s home, I was living in Windsor, and I was on my own as I didn’t know anyone. I joined a meet-up group and met some new faces. I was trying to navigate myself. It wasn’t until one night that I would meet a friend and form a group of friends.
It was in 2018 I had my breakdown, things were not going good at work, and I felt like everyone was against me. The friends I met were not genuine, I was down at the pub most days escaping where I was living. It led me to a self-destructive life, where I’m not proud of my past the most. I kept thinking I had it together, but honestly, I didn’t.
I thought who could love me? Why do I keep letting family down? Myself down? How can I move forward with my life. Thanks to the support from work, I went through intensive CBT training. In my mind I kept replaying times of my childhood and adulthood and how I wish I could have done it differently. When I realised I couldn’t change it, I would hurt myself. I had to battle down the demons, know that I couldn’t change my past or situations but I had to learn to accept this. I’m proud of going through therapy and this achievement.
I met a psychiatrist recently and he asked me what means stable to me, and I answered: “To me stable means, taking the medication regularly, using tools to handle life struggles, stopping intrusive thoughts from coming in, and living a healthy and happy life. To stay stable means accountability for your actions and being present in the moment.”
I know I played a big part of this, but if it wasn’t for my partner coming into my life at the right time, the pandemic happening and being able to move on from the workplace. I don’t think I’d be sitting here writing this blog post. I just wish at the start of my journey I had done research about this condition, and maybe found people who related to how I was feeling. I can’t change the past, I can only change the future.
“Promise me you’ll always remember — you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” — Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh
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